Tag: Women's issues

When Life Sucks

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Life is tough. Death, illness, job loss or stress, relationship difficulties, the chaos of early parenting, the empty nest, financial trials: none of our lives are immune. In the midst of crisis, we sink into despair, depression, worry. It’s only human.

Then news of others’ tragedy and pain sneaks into awareness. Suddenly we gasp for breath, breaking the surface of grief or angst, and discount our own trials. “I’m being such a whiner. I’m so selfish. Others have it so much worse than me. I should count my blessings.” We feel guilty for letting our stresses bring us down. We expect that we should put aside our troubles and just buck up.

Who says that because others’ trials look more serious that you need to dismiss or discount your own? This is another way women are socialized to put the needs of others first, even if it means denying our own needs.

Just a teensy bit of black and white thinking here as well. As in “if I’m blessed, or lucky in comparison to someone else, then my life is not bad.” Truly, part of being human is embracing that huge dichotomies of feeling can, and do, exist. We can feel like crap and count our blessings. These states are compatible.

This week, I listened to On Point on NPR, an episode devoted to the bullying of gay youth and the subsequent tragic suicides. One guest shared his own experience, being bullied for being gay, growing up in the 50s. He related that his grandfather had survived the Holocaust, even though most of his family perished. The speaker didn’t discount his own pain, saying that his grandfather had suffered more and so being bullied didn’t matter. Instead, he became inspired by his grandfather’s trials and triumphs in facing his own ordeals.

Feelings just are. No need to judge another’s pain in comparison to our own. If we hurt, we hurt, and deserve to take care of ourselves to feel better. And if we can find inspiration and follow another’s lead of grace under pressure, that’s a bonus.

Think yourself thin?

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The law of attraction. Create your own reality. Manifest the life of your dreams. The buzz sucks us in—who wouldn’t want to achieve the ideal life simply by thinking the “right thoughts?” But what are the facts? “Think yourself thin,” for starters. Who says? If just deciding to be thinner worked, it would be Every woman’s dream come true. Surveys of satisfaction with weight and body image, in sources as diverse as Preventive Medicine and Glamour, consistently show that 40% to 64% of women hate their bodies and are working to lose weight. Want to learn more? Check out the rest of my article on Imagined, a new online magazine for women.

Inspiration from Jessica

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Perhaps you’ve seen this hilarious youtube video, Jessica’s Daily Affirmation? If not, treat yourself and be inspired–or if so, watch it again.

Like Jessica, we simply ooze with self-confidence and self-love when we’re small. Last weekend, attending a family wedding, the biggest source of entertainment (after the bride, of course) was the new baby in attendance. Finley’s a charmer, seven months old, gladly beaming and flirting as long as he’s on his sweet momma’s lap. He was truly the center of attention, having as many as ten adults at a time oohing and gooing at him, working to evoke his seductive smile. Making him happy just made us happy.

Adorable great-nephew Finley

Smiling babies, after exercise, might just be the quickest route to increasing endorphins–at least when we’re not their primary caretakers and can hand them back. It’s easy to see how kids transfer that love and focus of adult attention into Jessica’s ability to affirm herself.

Then something mysterious happens; the balance shifts. Our parents don’t want us to be spoiled brats, to monopolize the room endlessly, to turn into narcissists who brag. We internalize the idea that nice girls are humble, deny compliments, mutter “oh, this old thing?” about our dresses. Too often we exclaim “this hair?” when we might do better to laud our tresses, as does Jessica of the flowing golden ringlets.

This idea of narcissism as negative is largely an idea of Western culture. I’ve just completed a week long training/retreat on mindfulness meditation, and came away with several key reminders about narcissism. It’s a character flaw only when taken to excess. In typical all or nothing thinking, however, women in particular view self-love as negative, rather than realizing that a healthy dose makes us feel good. In cognitive behavior therapy, the school of thought that most guides my clinical work, the related concept is self-efficacy. Jessica’s statement of self-efficacy is “I can do anything good!” Finally, in Buddhist psychology and related Eastern philosophies, narcissism or self-love is central to feeling good. Simplistically, for the sake of brevity, we suffer when we don’t love and embrace ourselves fully rather than recognizing our infinite perfection as part of, one with, the perfect universe.

You don’t need to plow over others with your evidence of self-love–but at least shower it upon yourself. Stand in front of the mirror, chant your gifts, strengths and beauty. Daily. And don’t forget to underscore your sentiments with a resounding clap. Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!!!

Nobody’s business

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Listening to an audio presentation by Wayne Dyer, Ph.D., and Christiane Northrup, M.D., I was struck by this quote: “what others think of you is none of your business.” How much energy do we spend wondering–or fretting–about others’ opinions of us? As if we need that information–especially if it’s positive–to affirm us? If we perceive that someone’s opinion is negative, we feel rejected, even worthless. And even may revise ourselves to be someone that we’re not.
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Naked in the woods

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I’ve just had the delight of Mother’s Day weekend with my two grown daughters at Gray Bear Lodge in the hills of Tennessee. The event was a Red Tent retreat, named after the ancient tradition of women separating themselves from the rest of the tribe during menstruation, resting, recuperating, and nurturing each other in a separate tent. If you’ve not read Anita Diamant’s great book by the same name, check it out. Who says this is an out-dated tradition? Imagine the reduction in stress levels if once a month we retreated from the world to spend time in connection, sharing stories, laughter, and pampering, with our sisters, mothers, and daughters. Let alone in a setting like this.

Healing abounded in the woods: scenic beauty, sauna followed by cold plunge in spring-fed creek, sand shower, rock pool and hot tub, natural facials–all anticipated and welcome experiences. Unexpected aspects of the weekend abounded–like group drumming. My less than musical self could keep time slowly, and even enjoyed it once I got out of my rational head.

Most wonderful– and most surprising of all– was the afternoon spent by this pristine waterfall, sunbathing in the buff. Two dozen women, all ages and shapes, easily shed clothing and communed comfortably together. No judgment in the air, either woman to woman or in any woman’s head. No air-brushed models here. With a few young exceptions, these were Rubenesque bodies that had birthed and breastfed babies, weathered life, cradled dying spouses. Cellulite be damned, we all reveled in soaking up the warmth radiating from sunshine on the table-size rocks. We waded into the freezing water, stumbled across the stones, and rubbed green-tinged mud all over. After the mud dried, we scrubbed it off until our skin glowed pink and alive.

The lack of self-consciousness and total acceptance flowed as freely as the cadence of our leader’s drum on the hike to the waterfall. And caused me to reflect on how rare–and powerful– it is, to free ourselves from our body image obsession (does this look good on me? is my butt too big?) and immerse ourselves in complete acceptance. Who says we can only feel beautiful if our bodies fit some arbitrary, waifish standard?

The phrase repeated throughout the weekend about our generous bodies was “goddess flesh.” As in (as we sank cross-legged onto the floor for meditation) “reach under your buttocks, adjust your goddess flesh so you can sink in and get comfortable.” This is a phrase we all can adopt each time those self-critical, culture-driven appearance obsessions pop into our heads. We’re all goddesses–embrace this body that works for you, which is all it needs to do.

And if you want to protect this lovely spot, check out the Gray Bear Land Trust.

What size?

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“I’m not trying those on!” “I’m not wearing size Y.” “Wow, I fit into a size X!” Who says a six (or a four or a ten) is a badge of honor? Then there’s that ridiculous size 0 or 00!! Does that make me a size nothing, or double nothing? Sounds like I’m invisible–or the incredible shrinking woman.

Lots of chatter about size as spring blossoms, with the allure–or horror–of summer clothing just around the corner. Too many women fixate on an arbitrary number to feel good about themselves, whether in terms of size or weight. With all this talk, I remembered that sizing changed, at least in home sewing patterns, in 1967. Intrigued by this vague memory, I did a little digging about the history of clothing sizing.

Standardized sizing first arose in the 1930s, with the growing middle class and availability of assembly line clothing. Prior to that time, most clothing was individually sewn, tailored to fit the wearer. Around 1940, about 15,000 American women were measured, 59 body points in all, as part of a USDA survey. The goal was to standardize sizing for mass produced clothing, for the first large-scale scientific study of women’s body measurements. Marilyn Monroe-esque curvy was the shape of most women at that initial assessment, with pronounced bust and hips and thinner waist. Not unlike an older standard of beauty–think Renaissance painting. Sizing numbers were arbitrarily assigned. Until 1956 a size 12 was for a 30 inch bust. In 1956 sizing changed again, as the average American woman no longer resembled this glamour girl body type. With the rise of Barbie, women looked less and less like her. Size 12 was assigned a 32 inch bust. Beautiful bombshell Marilyn would’ve worn size 16! In mid-1967 the standard changed once again and size 12 became a 34 inch bust. I was not yet twelve years old, but my size dropped from a 14 to a 12. I was thrilled. And I hadn’t had to give up one beloved Twinkie.

Fast forward to today: sizes are firmly anchored in the realm of ˜vanity sizing.” At Anne Klein, J.Jill, Target, and Land’s End, a 34 inch bust is size 4. Size 12 is now a 39 inch bust, and surgical enhancement trends notwithstanding, that’s some change. Store to store, designer to designer; you know where you like to shop: where a smaller size fits. Manufacturers know this and lure you in by labeling ever larger sizes with smaller numbers. In fact, my research this week revealed that the fashion industry resists any effort to standardize sizes, as was done in 1940, fearing loss of a customer if the size she wear gets upsized.  Upsized like a value meal? Who would stand for that?

It’s a numbers game. Do you like how you look? Do you feel good? Does this outfit feel like you? Define your style and stick with it and ignore the size, especially if it makes you feel bad about yourself. Quit the second-guessing–feel good at a healthy weight, reasonable to maintain, rather than a weight fueled only by carrots, grapefruit, and seltzer. Every model–on TV, the internet, or those hefty fashion magazines–is air-brushed. Watch The Evolution of Beauty here, if you’ve never seen it or need reminded. And the cultural standard of attractiveness is just that: defined by where you live. Check out The Hidden World of Girls on NPR. In some cultures skinny women are not desirable; they are considered poor and sickly. Curvier, more substantial women represent wealth and health.

Embrace your well-fed, rich look this summer at whatever size and weight. While we’re at it, let’s join forces and bravely bare arms. inspired by the First Lady, who has gone sleeveless where no first lady before has dared venture. No more fear of lunch lady arms!

Inspiration to action

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The value of creativity keeps invading my conversations. In-depth talks with my inspiring sister, Jane Dunnewold, an artist, teacher, and creativity coach-in-training, are leading us both into further exploration about women, creativity, and wellness.

Creating is a missing piece in our service-centric culture, which I addressed briefly here. Certainly carving out regular times to engage in activities that feed our souls, such as artistic expression and writing, fosters well-being. To a one, the moms that I’ve interviewed for The Sanity Hour point to the value of writing as a stabilizing, enriching force in their lives as mothers. I’ve watched as another friend has taken up quilting to fill the empty nest left when the youngest of her rambunctious boys went to college, interrupting the ever-present thunder of teen boys and dogs in her life. She has lit up as she’s invested herself in quilting, the glow on her face matching the lively and stunning designs she is producing. And today, I finally hold a proof copy in my hand of the long-awaited revision of Postpartum Survival Guide, coauthored with Diane Sanford, PhD. This is a labor akin to producing a child, though we’ve joked that the gestation period for this book is more like that of an elephant: 760 days. Truthfully, this book has been in the works for the gestation period of one elephant and one killer whale (517 days). Today, there’s a baby elephant in my life–and reward for years of work. Links will follow when the book, Life Will Never Be The Same hits the virtual shelves in the next few weeks.

Inspiration is everywhere–we need only open our minds and look around. A fabulous opportunity is coming this Sunday, April 11, 2010. The Dutch Art Gallery in Dallas will be showing the powerful film Who Does She Think She Is? which examines the challenges of mothering while creating art. This is in conjunction with an exhibit by women, Finding Her Voice: Women in Art. A reception for the artists begins at 1 p.m., followed by a showing of the film at 2 p.m. Come and join this fabulous, talented group of women in a celebration of creativity in our lives. Hope to see you there. If you cannot join in on Sunday, the exhibit continues through May 15.

The Dutch Art Gallery
10233 E NW Hwy #420, at Ferndale
Dallas, TX 75238
214-348-7350

Stigma

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A mom was lamenting the difficulty women have relating honestly to each other, which I’d addressed in this week’s The Sanity Hour and last week’s post. Women in her circle simply DO NOT admit that life with kids is hard. Living in an extremely affluent community, she shared that women are heavily invested in “I’m so lucky to get to stay home with my kids.” There’s a strong taboo in her neighborhood about acknowledging any real life stress because, given our culture’s habitual black and white thinking, if a mom ‘is blessed’ to stay home with her kids, she has to love every hectic minute. I’d offered one of my favorite mantras, “love the kid, hate the job” and suggested she start a more realistic conversation by pointing friends toward my show and blog posts, where I’m SLIGHTLY invested in ‘letting it all hang out’ (to revive a phrase from the 70s.) She exclaimed “I couldn’t do that–then they’d know that I go to therapy!”

Really? Have we really not come any further than this stale stigma about mental health? Rates of depression and anxiety in women are twice the rates seen in men. Before puberty, boys with mood issues outnumber girls. Between 9 and 13 years, the rates of anxiety and depression in girls shoot up to twice those of boys. And stay there until age 55, when rates even out between the sexes. With statistics like these, women are the majority consumers of mental health services.

The origin of the differences is a perennial question. One popular explanation is that women simply admit to mood issues more often, while men are less likely to seek treatment. If women are guarded with close friends because of the stigma, it’s not a stretch to imagine that this is true.

However, serotonin synthesis is 48% lower in women versus men. Serotonin is one of the main neurotransmitters that affect mood. This fact, along with the stats about male vs. female rates across the life span, suggests that women are biochemically predisposed to depression and anxiety. Women can’t will themselves to make more serotonin any more than individuals with diabetes can will themselves to make more insulin.

Brain chemistry is not the only culprit. Powerful expectations for women to do all and be all mean women are running on empty. Given my demanding work, listening to problems day after day, I’ve devoted myself to the routine of a real lunch break. Out of the office, with a friend or a good book, ideally with a beautiful view, every day. No working through lunch to finish paperwork. I need the thirty minute break that labor laws in this country mandate. Who lunches around me at a leisurely pace? Men–a preponderance of men. Women, weighed down with the second shift of childcare and housework, must be eating at their desks or on the run with errands.

Who says women are the weaker sex? Is it a flaw to need support and inspiration from mental health professionals? Enough of the stigma! Our biochemistry predisposes us. Our cultural expectations drive us to forgo restorative activities in favor of more work. It’s a foolproof combination for feeling overwhelmed.

Invest in yourself. Breaks for basic bodily renewal like sleep, food, or exercise; connections with other women, and learning to battle your counterproductive brain chatter through therapy are powerful tools for survival. Be a model for other women by embracing the old adage “we don’t have to be sick to get better.”

What did I do all day?

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If you are like most women– including me–you collapse into bed at the end of each hectic, exhausting day lamenting all the items left on your “to do” list. You toss and turn awhile, jockeying around in your mind how to get it ALL done tomorrow. Doesn’t matter what “all” entails–housework, childcare duties, work assignments–we all have an endless list. And it keeps us up, unlike the ever-quotable Scarlett O’Hara: “I’ll think about that tomorrow.” Our brains seem to be hard-wired to focus on the negative, rather than the positive. I console myself with the thought that this was a survival tactic for our ancestors. If you failed to tune into danger (i.e., the negative), you would have been waltzing gaily through the meadow picking wildflowers when a sabre-toothed tiger snatched your baby. No wonder it’s so hard to beat.

Consider, too, the nature of modern work. As we’ve shifted to a service economy, much paid work has no visible “finished product” in which to take pride. There’s no evidence of work completed, compared to harvesting crops, weaving cloth, or building tables. Or maybe “finished” is short-lived, much like housework. You fold the last clean sock, take off the day’s clothing, and the next load is already creeping up on you. Even pet care: you screen the litter box and the cat sidles in to mark her territory again. If childcare is your primary profession, it’s a quarter century before you can even tally results.

Because of these issues, frustration is inherent in our work lives. Here are my favorite remedies for the perennial question “what did I do today?” when the automatic answer in your head feels like “nothing.”

Develop an avocational interest that creates a product. I believe this is the thrill behind scrap-booking (in addition to the quilting-bee style social get-togethers known as “crops.”) You SEE tangible, permanent results– unlike the rest of your day. This is why I love to paint a wall, sew a cushion or window treatment, or crochet a doily (yes, I’m a real throwback to Grandma’s day.)

Keep a “Did Do” list. At the end of the day, rather than allowing yourself to tally what is left undone, shift your attention to what you DID accomplish. Write it down, for the written word adds proof. This quote by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow suggests this isn’t just simply a 21st century problem: “Each morning sees some task begun, each evening sees it close; something attempted, something done, has earned a night’s repose.”

As a postscript to Monday’s post about improving women’s lives to honor International Women’s Day, here’s a quick and easy task. Click on this link and the pink “CLICK to GIVE” box on the site. Money will be donated to fund mammograms for women in need, for every click. Thanks.

International Women’s Day

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Today is International Women’s Day (IWD). IWD celebrates the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future. In some places like China, Russia, Vietnam and Bulgaria, IWD is a national holiday. The them for 2010 is “equal rights, equal opportunities.” It’s a good day to recall the inspiration of Margaret Mead: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

Excellent timing for congratulations to Kathryn Bigelow, who was the first woman to win an Oscar for directing in last night’s awards. In addition to the “best director” honor, her film “The Hurt Locker” took home the statuette for best picture as well. Another ceiling smashed!

Choose to honor IWD in a way that works for you today. Write a letter to your lawmakers supporting women’s issues. Check out momsrising.org, “where moms and people who love them go to change our world,” if political action appeals to you and you to focus your passion.

Work to change the life of an individual woman –right next door or worldwide. One of my mother’s favorite organizations is kiva.org, whose mission is to connect people, through lending, for the sake of alleviating poverty. Donations are loaned to entrepreneurs in third world countries, the majority of whom are women. Or support your favorite organization that empowers women with a donation of time or money today.

Honor a friend or loved one with special kudos about their accomplishments. Or maybe just honor your own achievements and reward yourself with an hour off today, toasting to women everywhere. Recoup a little energy to put back into battling the tide of your own life.

Never underestimate the influence you can have on another woman’s life, individually or collectively. Even if that woman is you.