Author: Ann Dunnewold

Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D. is a Dallas psychologist whose mission for her work is: 1) to raise awareness about the undercurrent of unrealistic expectations on women, 2) to offer an anchor against getting swept away by expectations, for ourselves and for others, and 3) to offer tools for mind-body balance in life. She is author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting and co-author, with Diane Sanford, Ph.D., of Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom's Postpartum Survival Guide.

Wand targets, #1

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In an effort to organize this blog, I’m launching some new categories. Admittedly, who really knows why I have a sudden need to provide order, after a half year of randomness? The need to organize usually arises out of feeling out of control, like when the house is such a mess that you suddenly just have to tear into (and straighten) the junk drawer. With the tidy drawer in front of you, you breathe a sigh of relief and accomplishment, feeling like you’ve grabbed the reins on your runaway life. I’m in the process of developing new writing projects in other venues, so the “to do” list is expanding, like one of those toys that magically “grow” into a slimy, disgusting object that you can’t wait to pitch into the trash once the children aren’t looking. Grow a dinosaur, grow a boyfriend, grow a cowboy–whatever your heart’s desire. But I digress. . .

New category number one is “wand targets.” If you could wave your trusty magic wand, and forever banish hated experiences and minor aggravations, what would be the target? What would vanish from your life? Tops on the list for most fallible human beings is the experience of being wrong. It’s a fairly universal state that we unanimously hate. Jokes in sitcoms and comedy routines abound (okay, often about men in particular) aimed at our discomfort uttering the phrases: “I was wrong” or “I made a mistake.” I continually tell myself, and clients, that making mistakes is NO BIG DEAL. To err is human, after all. I recommend repetition of the mantra “I’m only human. People make mistakes” as a way to stop the judgment, substituting a verbal pat on the back instead. You’re doing the best you can do. You can’t expect to be right 110% of the time.

Journalist Kathyrn Schulz has written Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error. which offers an in-depth, and surprising, look at this issue. Schulz explains that we detest being wrong because of over-generalization and absolute, all or nothing reasoning. Just the sort of meme–thinking traps–that I like to ferret out and expose. Most of us react negatively because being wrong seems to confirm our inherent flawed nature. When we make a mistake, we feel stupid, useless, incompetent. We zero in on the error, convinced it represents the total package of who we are, rather than one slip. Underlying the shame and disappointment are thoughts such as “what an idiot I was.” Even deeper underneath that brain chatter is the belief that “I must be perfectly correct and successful at all times, or I’m a loser.” Being wrong equals failure, in our minds.

Schulz offers an affirming counter view: that error is the fundamental human condition and should be celebrated. Drawing on cognitive science, Schulz says that mistakes in judgment and actions and the ability to make correct inferences are a result of the same process. We can’t be right without sometimes being wrong–because the underlying mechanism is the same. Inductive reasoning is the path to most decisions. We collect facts, fit them together, and draw a conclusion, assuming that it’s right. In terms of probability, most of the time it is. But sometimes, the facts don’t fit together in the anticipated way, and we’re surprised–and often offended that our process failed us. Schulz suggests acceptance of the fact that inductive reasoning itself is fundamentally, unavoidably fallible. But fallible does not mean useless.

The process of language learning is an example, says Schulz. Tiny kids learn to add the suffix ‘-ed’ to words to create the past tense, through inductive reasoning when listening to adults. Most of the time, this rule is successful: “walked” or “played.” But it’s not universal, as we see when children relate how they “sleeped ” or “eated.” Inductive reasoning has a high hit rate–with a healthy dose of misses.

It’s still the best our brains have–with a proviso, says Schulz, that she calls the paradox of error. To prevent error, we have to embrace the possibility that mistakes are inevitable because of how our brains work. Mistakes are an intrinsic part of a fundamentally sound system–not a reason to chastise yourself or others. Brings us back to the mantra, true all along. Everyone does make mistakes. This reassurance is not based simply in a generic, feel-good, esteem enhancing philosophy. It’s a scientific fact about human physiology. Update the mantra: “I’m only human–that’s how brains work.” It’s not just talk of empty reassurance; it really is the best we can do.

A daily injection of levity

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I’ve been driving around town with the biggest smile on my face, often laughing out loud. Given recent and ongoing stresses (in spite of my training, I’m not immune), it suddenly dawned on me how funny–and surprising–this was. The secret? I have a new car, a pleasant boost in itself. But the icing on the VW cake is satellite radio–and I’ve just discovered the comedy channels. Truly fun and funny stuff, easing the cruising (or inching) through traffic. My passenger and I were both doubled over the other day, tears streaming down our faces.

Most of us know that laughter does indeed make us feel better. Laughing may help the pituitary gland release its version of endorphins, much like a runner’s high. For all the multi-taskers reading this, however, here’s another fact to motivate you. Recent research by Lee Berk and colleagues showed that laughing affected hormones which regulate appetite. Study participants who watched a serious film clip had no change in these hormones, while those who watched a funny film clip had an increase in leptin, the hormone that signals the body that hunger is satisfied. The researchers concluded that laughter may regulate hunger as well as exercise.

So laughing is good for us–and sharing it with others is even better, allowing us to connect emotionally. No need to go buy yourself a new car, or even purchase/subscribe to satellite radio. Comedy routines can be downloaded from iTunes and/or listened to on CD. Libraries have comedy CDs for check-out, so toss a few into the pile of books next time you’re at story hour. No need to worry about the language with the little ones in the car, either–plenty of G-rated offerings, including “Laugh USA” if you do have satellite radio.

Have favorite jokes or websites, comedy routines or films you want to share? My favorite online sites are the LOLcats and SomeEcards–especially the parenting category. I’d love to have you share yoursere!

Just a cat

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My bluepoint baby, Evie

I’m about to get sappy on you. You might want to get your tissues handy.

This is my dear Siamese kitty Evie. She’s nine years old, and she’s been in the hospital since Weds. Three weeks ago she had a seizure for the first time, and she’s gone steadily down hill since, refusing to eat or drink. The whole time I was away last week, she stayed under the bed. She only weighed 7 pounds to begin with and now she feels like an anorexic looks. There is still no definitive answer, after 6 regular vet consults, 43 possible diagnoses, an MRI, and abdominal ultrasound. We’re currently awaiting blood work to come back from Texas A&M vet school. And I visited her in the hospital today–who would have thought they had visiting hours at the specialty vet clinic? And of course Evie, like many in this country, has no health insurance–so I’ll just let you imagine the bills.

The entire experience has brought the ‘who says?’ mantra into my head incessantly. (I’m not just writing this for sympathy, truly–I do have a slight point.) When I related this process to someone I know well, I heard a story in return about a dog who was ‘just a pound mutt’ who was diagnosed with cancer. The treatment estimate was $5300, and so the owners chose euthanasia. And, the storyteller related, the veterinarian was a bit outraged and critical of their decision. While that may not have been a helpful stance from the treating doctor, who can judge? Until we’re in those butt-numbing vet hospital waiting room chairs for six hours, we just don’t know. Who says that we can put a dollar amount on our pets?

Research about the benefits of our valued pet friends is continuing to amass. Pets help us cope with stress, increasing our resilience in the face of change. Pet ownership is tied to improved health, from blood pressure to psychological well-being. I know that my three furry friends seem always attuned to my mood and plop themselves nearby when I’m feeling down. ‘Just a pound mutt’ can be your most stalwart ally. Difficult choices abound, when faced with serious pet illness, and we each have to choose what’s right for us. Today, the most helpful information I can offer to my readers who have beloved pets is: buy pet health insurance, if you can afford it. It’s certainly a value, cost-wise, if you ever have to face a critical pet health challenge.

Please send out healing prayers and thoughts for my Evie.

Inspiration from Jessica

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Perhaps you’ve seen this hilarious youtube video, Jessica’s Daily Affirmation? If not, treat yourself and be inspired–or if so, watch it again.

Like Jessica, we simply ooze with self-confidence and self-love when we’re small. Last weekend, attending a family wedding, the biggest source of entertainment (after the bride, of course) was the new baby in attendance. Finley’s a charmer, seven months old, gladly beaming and flirting as long as he’s on his sweet momma’s lap. He was truly the center of attention, having as many as ten adults at a time oohing and gooing at him, working to evoke his seductive smile. Making him happy just made us happy.

Adorable great-nephew Finley

Smiling babies, after exercise, might just be the quickest route to increasing endorphins–at least when we’re not their primary caretakers and can hand them back. It’s easy to see how kids transfer that love and focus of adult attention into Jessica’s ability to affirm herself.

Then something mysterious happens; the balance shifts. Our parents don’t want us to be spoiled brats, to monopolize the room endlessly, to turn into narcissists who brag. We internalize the idea that nice girls are humble, deny compliments, mutter “oh, this old thing?” about our dresses. Too often we exclaim “this hair?” when we might do better to laud our tresses, as does Jessica of the flowing golden ringlets.

This idea of narcissism as negative is largely an idea of Western culture. I’ve just completed a week long training/retreat on mindfulness meditation, and came away with several key reminders about narcissism. It’s a character flaw only when taken to excess. In typical all or nothing thinking, however, women in particular view self-love as negative, rather than realizing that a healthy dose makes us feel good. In cognitive behavior therapy, the school of thought that most guides my clinical work, the related concept is self-efficacy. Jessica’s statement of self-efficacy is “I can do anything good!” Finally, in Buddhist psychology and related Eastern philosophies, narcissism or self-love is central to feeling good. Simplistically, for the sake of brevity, we suffer when we don’t love and embrace ourselves fully rather than recognizing our infinite perfection as part of, one with, the perfect universe.

You don’t need to plow over others with your evidence of self-love–but at least shower it upon yourself. Stand in front of the mirror, chant your gifts, strengths and beauty. Daily. And don’t forget to underscore your sentiments with a resounding clap. Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!!!

The view from upside down

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I spend five hours in yoga class each week, given the luxury of an empty nest. It’s invaluable to my balance, that tenuous concept for all women–emotionally as well as the physical challenge. (I keep saying I’m going to find another way to talk about balance–we need a different term. It’s not an active enough word for the incredibly dynamic process of achieving well-being in our lives. Suggestions?)

The exercise room at my fitness center has floor to ceiling glass walls at the back. I habitually park myself near this wall, by the floor to ceiling mirrors, working to perfect my poses by glances in the mirror. Throughout the class, I’m upside down dozens of times, in standing forward fold or down dog. I’ve not quite figured out whether it’s the tempered glass of this back wall or the upside down position, but there’s a fun house mirror effect as I watch the latecomers hurry toward the room. Their legs look rubbery, feet appearing to roll along, all in slow motion. Remember Pokey and Gumby, rubber stop-motion characters from an old kid’s TV show? One of my sisters had the toy characters. They felt like those big pink block erasers, thick wires inside spongy legs. When we play-walked them along, the legs would buckle, almost bounce. This is how the people outside the exercise room appear–like elastic, stretching out slowly and snapping them backward, even as they hurry to class.

A friend found a little lizard in her bed. She picked it up to take it out of the house, and half of the tail pulled off in her hand. That creature had a choice of being caught–certain doom to it’s small brain–or being thrown off balance for awhile as it’s tail regenerated. In it’s innate lizard wisdom, the little guy is programmed to know it’s better to be imbalanced and know you’ll recover than trapped. What a shift of point of view.

Shift of perspective is a powerful tool. This week, I had two new clients come in, second time for each. At the first session, our discussions had provided such an incredible shift in the view each had of her situation. By the second week. each client felt completely past the problem. Jobs hadn’t changed, spouses hadn’t changed, family members hadn’t changed. All that had altered to solve the problem was the lens through which the problem was viewed.

Daily practice to change your point of view is a good exercise, stuck or not. Hang upside down. Try on a different pair of glasses, rose-colored or gray. Relabel loss as triumph, danger as healthy challenge, wisdom where nothing made sense. One of my favorite quotes from Caroline Myss is that ‘divine logic is not human logic.’ Perspective is often all we have control over–so control what you can, and let go of the rest.

A little P.S. with a midweek LOL

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I so appreciate the rousing response to my post on less is more, dear readers! Funny, too, how collective consciousness weaves through our lives. Consider this Mutts comic stripfrom May 23rd’s Sunday paper, two days after my post.

The tyranny of one more and the accompanying distraction appears to be a common problem, too–as this Pearls Before Swine strip shows. And if you find you simply cannot resist the habit of ‘just one more task,’ at least make limit yourself to thirty second tasks–less likely to throw you off schedule. Check out this list courtesy of about.com.

On final P.S. Here’s the actual piece that inspired my comments about every day is the best day, for a dog.

Dog Experiences Best Day of His Life for 400th Consecutive Day.

Santee, CA–
Family dog Loki experienced the best day of his life for the 400th straight day, Monday, the black Labrador retriever reported. “I got to go outside! I go to sniff the bush!” Loki said, wagging excitedly. “I saw a squirrel and I barked at it and it ran up the tree! Then I came back inside, and the smoky-smelling tall man let me have a little piece of bacon and then I drank from the toilet!” Loki will experience the best day of his life once again tomorrow, when he digs a hole, chews on a slipper, and almost catches his tail.”

From The Onion 10/13/04, courtesy of my dear sister, Mary Dunnewold. Thanks, Mary!

May you all have the best day, ever–every day!

Nobody’s business

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Listening to an audio presentation by Wayne Dyer, Ph.D., and Christiane Northrup, M.D., I was struck by this quote: “what others think of you is none of your business.” How much energy do we spend wondering–or fretting–about others’ opinions of us? As if we need that information–especially if it’s positive–to affirm us? If we perceive that someone’s opinion is negative, we feel rejected, even worthless. And even may revise ourselves to be someone that we’re not.
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Expectations and wellness

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The placebo effect is a well-known, well-accepted phenomenon, most traditionally thought of as a sugar pill–an inert, ineffective substance that nevertheless has a positive effect on an illness. The underlying mechanism of action is assumed to be belief in the remedy; the power of suggestion is at work.

Needless to say, from a strict medical viewpoint, the placebo effect falls into the category of muddy, unsubstantiated, mumbo-jumbo. It’s an attractive idea, but not worthy of any more consideration than the friendly pat on the head you might give to a lovable but annoying puppy. Two new studies have raised a big “who says?” regarding this attitude.

In one study, researchers followed first year law students, monitoring their optimism in general, expectations for academic success, and immune system function. Students were actually injected with substances that would trigger immune system response. Having an optimistic outlook in general was not related to immune system function. But actual expectations for success and immune system activity were directly parallel. When students felt that their performance in law school was potentially successful, their immune system function was much improved. And the opposite was true: fearing you were about to fail meant your immune system was compromised.

In the second study, study participants were followed over twenty-eight years. Subjective well-being–a concept made up of positive feelings, overall life satisfaction, and life satisfaction in the moment–was assessed at multiple points in time over the course of the study. Subjective well-being–i.e, being happy with your life overall, and expecting that all is well–contributed to less risk of illness and greater longevity. People simply lived longer when they were satisfied with their lives. This life satisfaction is akin to what Gretchen Rubin calls the sense of “living the right life” in The Happiness Project.

The placebo effect, i.e., the expectation that the remedy will work, is accepted to account for about 35% of a treatment’s effectiveness. These studies suggest that expectation is a much bigger contributor to our lives than that. Perhaps it’s time to regularly check in with ourselves about our expectations, and adjust our lives accordingly, taking control of whatever elements we can so we can live the life that feels right to us.

Aim for less

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Aim for less sounds so unAmerican, so unprogressive. After all, we are a nation founded on always striving to achieve more. No one pines for a smaller house, fewer cars, or a reduction in income. As a culture, we’re heavily invested in the concept of “more is better,” applying that to material acquisitions, experiences, choices. Psychological research is clear that, as Barry Schwartz summarizes in his book The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, more can simply paralyze us and cause us to second-guess our decisions. More clutter, excess, busyness–whether in our homes, on our “to do” lists, or in our psyches–simply overwhelms us.

One case of “more” that really illustrates this concept is what I call “the tyranny of one more.” Familiar scenario for most of us: this is the endless effort we make to sneak in one more task, one more item crossed off the list before we head out the door, pick up the kids, or climb into bed at night. The “tyranny of one more” makes me late more often than not and keeps me working past when I need to relax and unwind. It’s a direct route to being overtired and overstressed.

My younger daughter, perhaps showing her old soul, has been in touch with “less is more” since she was a tiny child. When she was approaching her third birthday, we were talking about the guest list for her party. I began naming friends, listing them on a tablet, while she played nearby. I was really writing this list for me, until I heard what she was muttering. “Too many friends, too many friends. No, no, too many friends.” I listened. We reverted to the time-honored rule of one guest per birthday year celebrated, and invited just three little girls as guests. It was an ideal party, with no melt downs! Another life lesson learned from a child–because I listened.

“Voluntary simplicity means going fewer places in one day rather than more, seeing less so I can see more, doing less so I can do more, acquiring less so I can have more.” These words are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor emeritus of medicine at University of Massachusetts Medical School and prolific writer on mindfulness meditation as a stress reduction tool. Cut yourself some slack this week and practice the wisdom of “less is more.” Decline one invitation. Make dinner out of canned soup and fresh fruit. Sit down and breathe in your backyard. Embrace ways in which less truly is more: guilt yourself less, affirm yourself more; spend less, save more; worry less, relax more; compete less, connect more.

Naked in the woods

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I’ve just had the delight of Mother’s Day weekend with my two grown daughters at Gray Bear Lodge in the hills of Tennessee. The event was a Red Tent retreat, named after the ancient tradition of women separating themselves from the rest of the tribe during menstruation, resting, recuperating, and nurturing each other in a separate tent. If you’ve not read Anita Diamant’s great book by the same name, check it out. Who says this is an out-dated tradition? Imagine the reduction in stress levels if once a month we retreated from the world to spend time in connection, sharing stories, laughter, and pampering, with our sisters, mothers, and daughters. Let alone in a setting like this.

Healing abounded in the woods: scenic beauty, sauna followed by cold plunge in spring-fed creek, sand shower, rock pool and hot tub, natural facials–all anticipated and welcome experiences. Unexpected aspects of the weekend abounded–like group drumming. My less than musical self could keep time slowly, and even enjoyed it once I got out of my rational head.

Most wonderful– and most surprising of all– was the afternoon spent by this pristine waterfall, sunbathing in the buff. Two dozen women, all ages and shapes, easily shed clothing and communed comfortably together. No judgment in the air, either woman to woman or in any woman’s head. No air-brushed models here. With a few young exceptions, these were Rubenesque bodies that had birthed and breastfed babies, weathered life, cradled dying spouses. Cellulite be damned, we all reveled in soaking up the warmth radiating from sunshine on the table-size rocks. We waded into the freezing water, stumbled across the stones, and rubbed green-tinged mud all over. After the mud dried, we scrubbed it off until our skin glowed pink and alive.

The lack of self-consciousness and total acceptance flowed as freely as the cadence of our leader’s drum on the hike to the waterfall. And caused me to reflect on how rare–and powerful– it is, to free ourselves from our body image obsession (does this look good on me? is my butt too big?) and immerse ourselves in complete acceptance. Who says we can only feel beautiful if our bodies fit some arbitrary, waifish standard?

The phrase repeated throughout the weekend about our generous bodies was “goddess flesh.” As in (as we sank cross-legged onto the floor for meditation) “reach under your buttocks, adjust your goddess flesh so you can sink in and get comfortable.” This is a phrase we all can adopt each time those self-critical, culture-driven appearance obsessions pop into our heads. We’re all goddesses–embrace this body that works for you, which is all it needs to do.

And if you want to protect this lovely spot, check out the Gray Bear Land Trust.